• Category Archives competency
  • Developmental Needs & Tasks for Sassy Pants Readers!



    When can I buy the book? Right now!

    Where can I buy it?      on Amazon. (click on Amazon)

    We will also have “BUY” button here SOON on my blog and the Summers Island Website.

    And now I’d also like to share a helpful piece about the development of young children. As moms (and as grandparents) we often wonder if we are doing the right things or if we are creating problems for them farther along in life.

    A friend of mine, Dr. James Wilder has written a manual that describes what is going on at each developmental stage of life. I thought the following chart brilliant–so very helpful.

    The needs of children aged 4 to 12 are:  (This part we help them with.)

    • They need to be weaned of being a baby—having all their needs anticipated and met for them
    • They need help doing what they don’t feel like doing
    • Authentic help sorting feelings, imaginations and realities
    • Feedback on guesses, attempts and failures
    • Love they do not need to earn
    • Be taught the family history
    • Be taught the big picture of their lives

    The developmental tasks for this age are: (This part they have to work at and learn. Yes, adults need to encourage them and compliment them when they make progress but we cannot do it for them.)

    • Learn to take care of self
    • Learn to ask for what they need
    • Learn self-expression
    • Develop personal resources and talents
    • Learn to make him/herself understandable to others
    • Learn to do hard things
    • Tame their cravings
    • Learn what satisfies
    • Learn to see him/herself through the “eyes of heaven”—see their potential


    Excerpted from The Complete Guide to Living With Men by E. James Wilder III, Shepherd’s House Inc., Pasadena, CA, 2004, pp. 56-90.

    Shedding some light… Carol A. Brown

  • Identity #3-Competency

    Competency is where your natural talents come into play.  Talent is something you are born with and is only dependent upon your “group” in that they can encourage or discourage, help or hinder you. You develop competency when you are pushed to take appropriate risks; that is how you develop the skills necessary to do the task well. Every person needs to feel good about herself; everyone needs to feel he has worth and belonging. Having both, it is possible to not rate very high on the competency scale. You can be a klutz and still have a solid sense of self-esteem. However, if a person is weak on belonging and lacks a sense of worth, competency becomes very important. You can use competency to compensate for the shortfall in worth or belonging. Your competency ccan be a source of nurture to your soul when the need to belong is not being met.

    What a person is good at does not seem to matter–just that they are good at something! I felt I was not ready for our daughters becoming teenagers, but they did not consult me! I remembered that I had heard someone advise to make sure your teenager is good at something. It does not matter what. Just put your thumb in his back and make sure he is good at something. That would get him through his teen years intact! I quickly forgot who saidit, but the advice stayed with me. If a child has a knack with computer, help him be the best tech yet. If it is spelling, music, sports, academis, whatever, help your child be able to say, “I’m the best tennis player, diver, runner, stand-up comic, etc. in school!” The one who does well is valued and included–she belongs!

    Many people short on belonging and worth use their competency to buy belonging and worth. The teen short on worth and belonging, but competent in football will give his heart and soul to the game. He will play in pain or when he is unwell. The pain or illness pales in contrast to the pain of feeling worthless and not belonging. The adulation from fellow students, the camaraderie of the team, the “atta boys” from the coach–these things far outweigh any pain or illness he may have. He wears his letter jacket to broadcast his belonging and worth to the team.

    You see the same pattern in the corporate world. A worker happily takes an added workload or volunteers to head up committees. He drives himself. The job becomes all consuming–worth and belonging are that important. He takes classes to be a more valuable asset to the company. He may display qualifications, accolades and certificates in prominent places in the office. It is another way of saying, “See me,” “Appreciate me.” It is proof to him, and to the world, of worth. Sadly, some sacrifice relationships at home in pursuit of the “atta boy” they never heard as a child. When you depend upon competency to earn love and a sense of belonging and worth, you open the door that leads to burnout, disappointment, betrayal, and failure. Feelings of worth and belonging that come from meeting expectations, performing brilliantly, or reading people correctly are fragile at best.

    I will never forget the day I asked my father what he thought I should do for a career. He looked me right in the eye and said, “Kiddo, I think you can do whatever you set your mind to do.” Talk about an “atta boy!” We would love to hear what your experience was? Who “saw you” and said something? Who reflected back to you an accurate picture of yourself that made a difference for you?

    Blessings, Carol

  • Identity #2

    There are four aspects to identity that are important to
    note. The first three are the sense of belonging, the sense of worth and
    competency. Competency is used to compensate for a shortfall in either
    belonging or worth. The sense of belonging and the sense of worth flow from or
    are the result of a picture you have of yourself. Belonging and worth are a
    result of how this picture causes you to feel about yourself. However, the way
    in which this picture is acquired is critical, so I call the way the picture is acquired the fourth aspect.

    Sense of Worth

    The sense or feeling of worth comes from inclusion. A lack
    of worth comes from exclusion. The following questions will help you discern possible areas for repair. When you were a child,
    • Did you have a part in
      decision making?
    • Did you have choices?
    • Could you choose the clothing you wore,
      the friends you played with?
    • Could you choose what you wanted for your birthday
    • Did you choose the paint for your room?
    • Did you choose your education,
      or were you told what to do and who you would be?
    • Did someone tell you that you
      would be an engineer, a doctor, a pilot, a teacher, or that you would never
      amount to anything?
    • Did people talk to you, over you, or about you as if you
      were a piece of furniture?
    • Were you included in conversations, plans, outings,
      adventures, and fun?
    • Were your opinions, needs, and desires ignored?
    • Perhaps no
      one bothered to ask. Did anyone of significance applaud your accomplishments
      and attend your events?

    Sense of Belonging

    Messages of belonging come from having your needs met and
    the spirit in which those needs are met. They do not need to be met with an
    abundance of things, simply with consistency and love. You can have abundance,
    but if you are treated as an object rather than a cherished child, your sense
    of belonging will need repair. Mechanical meeting of needs without loving touch
    and concern or with inconsistent love and concern builds a very shaky sense of
    belonging. Sometimes you belong, and sometimes you don’t. Your heart wonders,
    which one is this? You become very adept at reading people and sensing their
    emotional state moment by moment because your safety and security depend upon
    an accurate assessment. If your belonging is in question or if the criteria for
    belonging continually shifts, the likelihood that you will need to compensate
    for a lack of belonging is much greater.

    Meeting your needs with consistency and love communicates
    that you are valued, that you are cherished and that you are of great worth.
    This is the truth about you. The heart craves to be loved and cherished. What a
    dilemma when the people who should love do not or cannot!

    If you have identified a gaping hole in your sense of worth or belonging and don’t want to wait for suggestions for repair to appear in this blog, run on down to your local bookstore and order Highly Sensitive. “The Issue of Identity” is chapter 9. It is published by Destiny Image. ISBN: 13: 978-0-7684-3260-2. You can also get it through Amazon.com. It is such comfort to know that God will never leave us or forsake us (Deut. 31:6). Matthew 28:20b “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age”. 

    If some point struck a chord in you and you feel okay with sharing, I would love to know.

    Blessings, Carol